Kindness vs. Niceness

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t stir the pot?”

That’s always been confusing to me because— here’s the thing: a good gravy like my grandma used to make can’t happen without gentle stirring. If you leave everything sitting still for too long, things stick, things burn, things rot at the bottom.

Brothers and sisters, what if the greater threat to truth in our church isn’t conflict—but instead, the fear of causing any? This can happen when we confuse being nice with being kind—and they’re not the same thing.

Niceness is polite. Agreeable. It avoids conflict and keeps the peace, even if that peace is shallow and false.

Kindness, on the other hand, is patient and honest. Rooted in love, not fear. It tells the truth—even when it’s uncomfortable—because it cares about the other person’s soul more than protecting its own reputation.

Just like grandma’s gravy, sometimes, love means stirring things up—not with anger or arrogance, but with patient and Spirit-led truth. Because kindness isn’t afraid to stir up what’s stagnant even if it means bringing everything to the surface so healing can happen. Jesus was never once described as nice. But He is described as kind.

He flipped tables in the temple, rebuked Pharisees, and even called one of His closest disciples “Satan”—and yet, He never sinned. He was perfectly kind. 

Too often, we get comfortable with a flavor of Christianity that’s nice but powerless—afraid to correct a brother or sister in love, afraid to share the gospel with our neighbor, afraid to say what needs to be said in the name of “grace” … when in reality, it’s just “self-protection.”

But kindness? Kindness steps in when a friend is wandering. Kindness speaks up when truth is at stake. Kindness says to a brother or sister even when it might feel uncomfortable— let’s drop everything and pray about that right now!

Niceness keeps you liked. Kindness might get you misunderstood. But one leads to approval from people. The other leads to obedience to Christ.

Proverbs 27:6 says: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:15 that we are to speak “the truth in love”—growing up in every way into Christ. 

Sometimes that might leave a faithful wound. But that’s the kind of kindness we’re called to because it’s eternally worth it. In Romans 2, Paul reminds us that it’s God’s kindness—not His niceness—that leads us to repentance.

God doesn’t coddle our sin. He convicts us. He doesn’t flatter us. He transforms us. That’s the kind of kindness we’re called to show each other. Not fake smiles or passive silence, but grace-filled truth and courageous love.

So, church let me ask:

Have you been nice at the expense of being kind?

Have you avoided the hard conversation because you didn’t want to upset anyone?

Have you confused passivity with patience?

Have you chosen likability over love?

Let’s take a moment of silence to confess the ways we’ve settled for being nice when Christ has called us to be kind.